The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Where have I been?

Where to start. Well, I guess I'll start with the good. 1:23:48. My first 10k, Thanksgiving Day. I felt great, until about 5 minutes after I stopped running, when I got terrible shin splints. I didn't know until I asked my trainer about them that they even were shin splints, it was a terrible pain on the back of my leg under my calves and down to my Achilles. Still, I was run the entire thing without stopping - check! As it got closer, I was hoping that I'd finish in under 90 minutes - check! Most of all, I didn't want to be last and embarrass myself - check!

Since then, however, I've done very little training. In fact, come to think of it... almost none. Thanksgiving was the 27th - twelve days ago. Sure there were a few days in there where I was recovering, but I've gone to the gym exactly one time to work out since then. So I guess that is the Bad.

The Ugly, as always, is my diet. I've been awful. That day I used the race and the holiday to just stuff my face without guilt. That in-of-itself would be fine, but the days after I've completely fallen off the wagon. I guess the whole month of November was rough, and I thought (as I think most 'dieters' often feel) that December 1st I'd recommit and get right back into the rhythm. Nope. Fast food, alcohol, late night binges... My head is spinning with how quickly I can go from one extreme to the other.

It's obvious, too. I don't even want to weigh myself right now. I skipped a Dietbet weigh in because I knew I would be over. I've had a day or two in the past two weeks where I've tried to get back into my routine and it has helped triage the bleeding, but if I don't get back on track soon I'm gonna watch all of my progress disappear and I don't know if I can handle that mentally. I made my chili but it is going bad in the fridge since I haven't eaten it in days. I was using Claire's fitbit, but I lost that too and then I decided I couldn't justify going to get another one.

Today, however, I decided that was a mistake. I went and ponied up the 100 bucks, because I am not going to let this bad streak ruin me. I have an appointment with Janelle today, which is going to be like going to confession, and I'm hoping to put together a strategy. I am going to go to my Team Fit class tomorrow. I AM GOING TO GO TO MY TEAM FIT CLASS TOMORROW. I AM GOING TO GO TO MY TEAM FIT CLASS TOMORROW. As emphatic as I write that, I'm still terrified that I am not going to go to my team fit class tomorrow. I went last Wednesday and I was sore for a week.

Mostly, I need to start running again. I have goals. I want to improve on that time on my next 10k on January 18th. I want to run that entire Half Marathon on February 28th. I want to win my diet bet, which ends January 28th. I still need to lose a lot of weight to get into that 100+ club.

Resilience is something I struggle with. These things generally force me to fall into a depression that will more than undo all of my progress. These next few months are critical, and I need to keep fighting.

Struggling

I have definitely de-railed.

Stress eating, stress itself... Maybe despite my long-term proof time and again that I can only sustain this sort of life changing behavior for so long I've let myself take it for granted. I don't know. What I do know is that I haven't been to the gym in a week, I'm eating all kinds of unhealthy food, not tracking any of it, and as of today I'm up to 246.6.

I know I'm falling into the trap that I've often fallen into in the past. It's like double-dutch. Once you trip up, you need to choose the right time to jump back in. I'm going to the gym today with the kids since they love it and I haven't been since last time I took them last Tuesday. I'll run but not much since I'm doing the Turkey Trot on Thursday. I'm not sure whether I should go to my team fit class tomorrow. It might not be smart the day before the race, but I've missed the last four (four!?!) and I'm not even sure if there is one on Friday. Ugh.

I am still taking my multi-vitamins. I weighed myself this morning. I gotta jump back in.

Stress - The Immeasurable Factor

You can count calories, you can (sort of) measure your calories burned. You can track your number of push ups, miles, heart rate, sleep. So much information that contributes to your overall health. Personal monitors that give you all of this are available everywhere, and using them correctly can lead to all sorts of health benefits.

There is no wearable monitor for stress. This is a shame, because even if someone does everything right - gets enough sleep, burns more calories than they consume, takes all of the necessary nutrients and supplements - stress can still prevent weight loss. Which leads to more stress, and a feeling of failure that just might lead you to bash your wearable monitor with a hammer. Hm, would that provide any stress relief?

Life is heaping extra servings of stress onto my plate these days. It really doesn't matter where the stress is coming from, what matters is that it affects everything I am trying to accomplish. Granted, the gym is a great way to work off some of that extra stress. All things being equal I notice I handle stress far better now that I am living healthy than I did when I used to solve the problem with copious amounts of alcohol and late night carb binges. But for me a health plan is like a house of cards that I am trying to keep standing at all costs, and stress is a strong breeze.

I'm doing fine, though. It is funny how, once a habit is reinforced with repetition for long enough, it can keep rolling despite adversity. It's your 'lizard brain'. You can carve habits (good or bad) deep into your brain that take over to improve the ease of tasks. A good example is when you drive the same way to work every day you can eventually do it on 'auto pilot'. I read about this over a year ago, and I've been trying to use it to my advantage, and I have to say it's working pretty well. There are however some unintended consequences.

The more you rely on habit the less mentally present you really need to be. You wake up, your habits kick in that get you ready for work and out the door, to work, through work, home from work, and back into bed again. It's safe, and easy, and robotic and boring. Just like anything else, moderation is key. But moderation isn't exactly my strong suit, as demonstrated by my body fat percentage.

Like most people my age and younger, I am hyper-focused. I can lock in and rock a specific project with more zeal and success than generations before me, probably because of video games!!! But, contrary to proud multi-taskers everywhere, you really can't focus on more than one thing at a time. You can shift back and forth quickly, but when you are never really texting and driving, you are either driving, or you are texting and no one is driving. So many things in my life are priorities now. My routine, the gym, the groceries, the laundry, the kids, my wife, my job, my side job of dueling, the bills, school... This should not be the order, but that is the problem. There really can't be an order, they are all very important right now.

So, that is where I am at right now. Stressed, and fearing that so much focus on me and my health is causing me to lose focus in other very important areas of my life. It may be time to try to add a habit to the list that can help with all of this - meditation. But who has the time?

6.2

For years I've wanted to run Turkey Trot 5k. Last year, after another Thanksgiving had passed without me following through with it, my co-workers at my new job began to talk about running this year's 10k in Mesa. 

10k. 6.2 Miles. 

I had never even run a 5k, but I thought that if I committed to running it I would be motivated enough to follow through. Then the year went by, and after a brief stint of about 6 weeks in February and March where I tried to live healthy, I let that motivation go. I had ballooned to the highest I had weighed in my life by July 1, 286.5 pounds. On July 1, I decided that if I was going to have any chance of running a 10k in November, I needed to start making changes.

Yesterday, I ran 6.2 miles. It was on a treadmill with 0% incline and it took me 87 minutes, but I RAN 6.2 MILES. Without stopping.

Best of all, I don't feel like I overdid it today. I did not go to my team training class again, in part because I thought it would be a little too much cardio in a short period and in part for personal relationship reasons I hope I never have to blog about. I hate cryptic personal stuff on social media, but I'm gonna need some boundaries with what I write about here - not that anyone is reading!!! It's tough though, because it's all connected. Stress and sleep are a factor in weight loss and health, and when I get very little sleep and my stress shoots through the roof I need to acknowledge it and talk about it in this context, but sorry, I'm not going into detail. It would probably just add to the stress anyway.

So I did a very fun very chill '5k' which was really more of an obstacle course on Sunday, and now I've done a 10k on Tuesday. I'm feeling good about my cardio. I'm down to 239.5 so I have officially lost the NC weight. Operation Healthy Holidays looks seems good, one way or another.

Rest day today, and hopefully sleep tonight. I'll try to go to the gym tomorrow morning and do a very chill run, and then hit my Team Fit class on Friday. Woosah.

Ridiculous Obstacle Course Race Phoenix 2014

Well, I've done my first race. My friends were running this ROC 5k this weekend, and I was able to register that day. It was so much fun! The race is an untimed 5k with a series of fun obstacles that are inspired by the TV show Wipe Out! There were a few obstacles that were difficult, some I completed and impressed myself, others I couldn't (I haven't been able to swing on Monkey Bars since I was a kid) and some of the obstacles were just water slides with inner tubes, or bubbles, or "the world's tallest inflatable" varieties. People dress up and 'compete' in teams, but really it's just about doing all of these crazy obstacles.

Part of the reason I registered late is that I couldn't decide whether to do the race or go to the Lions v. Cardinals game. Ultimately I chose the race because I thought it would be a healthier choice than tailgating, and I think it was probably more of a wash. I don't know how many calories I burned during the race because I LOST MY FITBIT :( but I am sure that the beer, Jack Daniel's Jack and Ginger drinks (are these coolers? I had never seen them before), the big burger and sweet potato fries and two and a half pieces of pizza I ate afterward were more calories in than I burned racing. So dumb. Somehow during the day's festivities I decided that on a day I run a race I won't worry about calories or logging food, as a sort of celebration, which might be a good idea in moderation, but I went overboard.

I was in bed by 7pm, and I was tossing and turning through the night with an upset stomach. Today I woke up at about 7am with a cough and maybe a fever; just feeling like yuck. I didn't go to my team fit class, and I even thought about calling off work. Some of that had to be dehydration, and I suspect some of it was from the gross water obstacles in the race. In any case, I hope I can bounce back quickly.

Yesterday I weighed 242.2, today I weigh 243.3. Still coming down, though I suspect I haven't really paid for the post race binge. If I am sick, that number is going to go up before it comes down, and I am absolutely spinning my wheels since this blog started. It's all just sticking with it, though.

What I need to take away from this weekend is that I had an absolute blast, completed my first 5k, and that I need to do a better job of pre and post race prep. Next week is the 10k, which should be harder, and my friends are coming so I will have the same temptation to combine fitness with debauchery. I think if I don't drink I can hold everything else in check, and I might need to plan on sleeping extra the night after a race.

I made my healthy chunky chili this morning before work, and I'm ready for a healthy restful week of normal routine. As long as I'm not really sick I should shed some lbs this week. Here's hoping!

When will I BE a Runner?

It is one thing to do something. I run. I play piano. I cook. It is another thing altogether to BE something. I AM a runner. I AM a musician. I AM a cook. I didn't start playing piano until I was 25, so it took me a long time to consider myself a musician, rather than simply an entertainer who plays piano. I couldn't wrap my brain around owning what it means to be a musician. I didn't want to diminish what it meant to be able to say that until I felt I had earned it.

So, I run, but I am no where near being a runner, nor do I know when I might be able to own it. Perhaps it will be after my first race, which is a terrifying 13 days away. Maybe it'll be after my half marathon in February. I think it is going to have more to do how well I am able to run long distances; when my times are more respectable. 

I'm not feeling great today. I wanted to get up early to do the 5am class, so I set two alarms on my Fitbit; 4:26 and 4:35. I 'woke up' but I was in such deep sleep that I just laid there, ultimately deciding to do the 6am class. But I didn't go back to sleep, and now I'm paying for it. I did well in the 6am class, though. Laly told me that I was fired up today, and I definitely felt strong. My stupid heart rate monitor kept shutting off again, so I didn't good info for Janelle, but I figure if I am going to be doing these low heart rate runs on the off days, I really need to get a lot out of my strength and interval training that I get through these classes. 

245.1 today. Nutrition is flawless, though I haven't even gotten to Whole Foods to prepare meals. Yesterday I bought a prepared meal and a cobb salad from Lifetime, and I went and got a cobb salad today from Sprouts and I bought some edamame with wasabi to put on it to spice it up. The kids want to go to the gym tonight, so I will probably eat at Lifetime again and hot tub it up. 

I AM a student, and I'm right in the middle of my online classes. I am either the most productive I have ever been in my life or I am piling goal on top of goal until I am not able to achieve any of them. Definitely one of those.

Training in Zones, Pros and Cons

I ran 1.75 miles in 27 minutes today. Not exactly blazing speed, as my Runkeeper App pointed out (5 minutes slower than my best 1-3 mile pace). Why? Because I kept my heart rate under 141.

I am just trying to have faith in Janelle (my dietitian) that this is the right way to go about it. The Turkey Trot is in two weeks, and I feel less prepared than I was a month ago. Granted, my NC trip is probably a big part of that, but still, this Zone training makes me feel like I'm not making the best use of the little time I have to train. This is made worse by Nick, an attorney whom I have a great deal of respect for and consider to be pretty intelligent, telling me that Zone training is a myth. He even sent me an article about it: http://www.builtlean.com/2013/04/01/fat-burning-zone-myth/#fn-15366-3.

I go back and forth. My run today was easy and slow, which is fine for days in between my Team Training. I was noticeably tired; even for a slow run this was bad. I should (according to my metabolic testing) be able to run the majority of this between 4.7 and 5.1 mph, and I was around 3.7 for the majority of it. So, the more I do this the faster I should be able to run with my heart rate staying under 141. This will be good for me in the long run.

However, I may be drawing out this process longer than it needs to take. I get that running and training causes stress on the body and that stress increases my already elevated cortisol which is preventing my body from losing this spare tire I am trying so desperately to shed. But I can do more than this, right? I feel like I am going to embarrass myself at this Turkey Trot because I haven't pushed myself hard enough leading up to it.

Ultimately, we'll see. I am going to go through this metabolic training program that Janelle has set up for me, even if it limits my potential for a faster finish for these runs. If a month or two from now I see increased fat loss, I'll owe her an apology for doubting her. If not, (and it isn't from my own sabotage) then I'll strike out on my own more aggressive run schedule. Overall, I'll take being a slow runner in exchange for the ultimate goal of dropping this frustrating body fat!

245.3 today. I figured some of that 247 was inflated, and I expect that I'll get back down in the 242 range pretty quick. That trip is gonna put off me getting into the 230's for a while, but hopefully this metabolic training will work it's magic and the pounds will keep falling off. Stay tuned.

Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail (With Excuses)

Well I never said I'd write every day, but my lack of posting was indicative of my lack of commitment the past week.

In my defense I was traveling, which took me out of my routine. Not much of a defense, since it isn't like I didn't KNOW I was going to be traveling. I packed all of my powders for my shakes, my daily vitamins, my running shoes and work out clothes. That should count for something, right? My scale would disagree.

Let's see, it might be helpful to confess all the transgressions. The first challenge was at the airport, where I actually found the breakfast burrito place on myfitnesspal and logged it. Then I had some peanuts on the airplane, logged those. Then we met Claire's Aunt and Uncle for dinner, and that is where the wheels started to fall off. Sure I swapped out the garlic mashed potatoes for asparagus, but I had more wine that I planned, some fried zucchini thing... it was more of a meal than I needed.

The next day I went for a run that was filled with hills, so I didn't go nearly as far as I had planned. Ate a relatively healthy breakfast that I logged, then... I can't really remember what we did for lunch, but somehow by that night I was eating wings and drinking beer, and the food log had gone out the window.

Saturday, the day of the baby shower, until Tuesday morning was so many different kinds of unhealthy. Beer, shots, wings, pizza, Mike and Ike's, movie popcorn, hot dogs, Pringles, I had given up trying to be healthy and instead let my guard down to all sorts of food I should NEVER eat. It was a great visit, but it was tainted by my disappointment in myself, even in the moment.

Yesterday I started my official training regimen for the half marathon. I 'ran' again through North Carolina hills, but I felt awful. My shins were burning, my body was not prepared, and I walked more than I ran. I still made better choices yesterday in a day that was dominated by coming home, and then this morning I weighed myself before going to the gym.

The damage: 7.1 pounds*. This was a 6 day trip, and the majority of the binge was during one 48 hour period. I'm sure some of that is extra water from sodium and I am definitely curious how long it will take me to get back down, but I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, as long as I go right back to my healthy routine there really isn't much to dwell on. However, this wasn't some small slip up. I wanted to test myself to see how these habits would hold up on the road, and I failed miserably.  Now I've got to lose these pounds over again, and I need to put a better plan together the next time I travel.

Vacation's over. Back to work.

*I was down to 240.1 at my lowest, and now I am up to 247.2.

Good Memories and Whole Wheat Toast

Four years ago today Claire and I went to her ultrasound appointment. I think it was the time that she got a ticket for basically getting in a police officer's way. She was in the left turn lane, waiting to turn, when the light turned yellow and then red. She didn't pull into the intersection to turn after the light changed, and the cop wrote her a ticket for impeding traffic. She was pregnant and didn't want to pull into oncoming traffic, so I guess he had a point to make or something.

That is not the good memory. The good memory is the tears of joy as we sat in the car afterward, calling family to tell them that M was going to have a baby sister. Ever since that day our family has had a symmetry. A boy just like daddy, a girl just like mommy. We've been a perfect little family of four, and I can't believe that was only four years ago. It feels like it has always been this way.

I've been thinking a lot about how my shift in priorities toward a more healthy lifestyle has affected them, good and bad. There are definitely struggles. I'm busy without needing to find time for the gym. The house always smells like something healthy dad is cooking. I give mommy a guilt trip any time she gives the kids cookies before dinner or offends me personally by taking the kids to get happy meals. Then of course the past two days I've been recovering from an absolute crash in which I have had no energy. I told Claire that my new fitter self would have MORE energy to be a dad, and now I am already budgeting a lot of that energy for running races.

It's hard. But it is still better than it was before. This is all new, and I'll learn how to eat to prepare for runs so I don't crash like I did this week. We won't live in our small apartment forever, so maybe the whole house won't smell like healthy daddy food. I will have more energy to go do the things a dad should with his kids. Most of all, hopefully, I will model good behavior that will keep them from ever having to struggle with this the way I am.

I feel a lot better today. I actually added a piece of whole wheat toast to my breakfast (140 calories?!?). Morning carbs, especially since I am going to be running more) are going to be the newest tweak to my routine. Janelle called me late last night and told me to run "no longer than 30 minutes and get my heart rate to no more than 141 bps". I wonder how slow I have to run to stay below 141. Anyway, that is all I'm doing today, then I have my Team Fit class in the morning. Sitting at 241.5 today, so there is definitely more work to be done.

Keep It Under 141

So, two new things to add the training ritual. First, most of my workouts need to be in Zone 1 or 2, which for me means keeping my heart rate under 141. Second, I need post workout carbs to help me recover. I'm not particularly thrilled with either of these adjustments, but it would be silly not to follow the advice of my dietitian; knowledge is power!

Apparently if I run at the 141 maximum heart rate, I'll still get gains in terms of speed and distance, but if I do a lot of low aerobic training I can help my body learn to burn fat instead of carbs, which my body seems to struggle with. I checked my body fat (I'll try to do it the first Monday of the month from now on) and I am at exactly 37%, up .4% from 3 weeks ago. Not cool, body fat, not cool.

I ran this morning, but I took it pretty easy (maybe not 141 easy though). I think my phone is broken, because it won't charge, so I need to figure that out as soon as possible. I use it for everything with regards to nutrition and I even use it to track my heart rate during work outs, so I guess I will need it all the time now. 

Still feeling kind of burnt out, and I'm discouraged about my lack of progress on body fat loss and my consultation with Janelle that pretty much means I'm gonna be the slowest runner ever for the Turkey Trot. Ultimately I just want progress so however long it takes is fine. I'm gonna lose this weight and become a runner.

Sometimes Your Body Makes Other Plans

I did do one shot of tequila last night at the end of my shift. I was celebrating making it through the week, and the fact that I am probably not going to be playing there for a little while. As much grief as that club has given me I still miss the people who I got to know there. Anyway, compared to the way I used to drink there, a single shot is a victory.

Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck, and I really don't think it was the tequila. Not stuffy like Wednesday, but like my blood sugar is out of whack or something. I've been up about 7 hours today, and I'm ready to go back to bed. I haven't done much of anything today other than spend some time with my kids (Claire spent most of the day catching up from her work trip at the office).

Tomorrow I've got my Team Fit class at Lifetime and then I meet with Janelle at 9. She and I definitely need to talk carbs, because I think that is my problem today. I probably should have eaten more than I did yesterday considering the day I had. One good thing that comes of this gross feeling is that I'll be able to get back into my normal rhythm of sleep no problem.

So running did not happen today. I'm not officially training until next week, but I did plan on running and I'm not thrilled with myself that I didn't make it happen. Maybe I would have passed out, maybe it would have made me feel better. I'm terrible at reading what my body is telling me. That is something else that is going to need to change for me to be a runner and for me to maintain my weight loss. I feel like I have done something wrong, and I am a discouraged. If I am wore out from my run yesterday, than I may not be cut out for this. Tomorrow I will get some answers. Tonight I will get some rest.

Need to Recharge

My Fitbit needs to recharge. I feel exactly the same way.

Fun night at Shout. Got home at 2:30am. Woke up around 8:30am when Claire was freaking out about a sinus headache. Decided to try to sleep a little longer, then I was out until noon.

Somehow made 'breakfast' but I feel absolutely wiped out. I gonna sit and watch football until this charges. At least.

November 1 Looking Back, Looking Forward

"I heard you talking about running a half marathon yesterday."

"Yeah. What do you think?"

"I think it's stupid."

My wife, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm still like 50/50 whether I tell people that I registered for the half marathon or not. For example, when I saw my pastor at the Halloween party last night and we started talking about weight loss (naturally, since I haven't gone to church lately so he noticed and commented, "Looks like you're slimming down"...) I told him that I registered for the 10k Turkey Trot and the 10k Rock n' Roll, but I didn't mention the Phoenix Half Marathon. But by the end of the night a guy in his Tough Mudder shirt and his wife had overheard me talking about it and decided to share their war stories.

"I did a half marathon once. I don't know about your experience with gels, but don't do new nutrition the day of the race, ugh," said the wife.

"Yeah, I didn't really train for mine, and I nearly passed out at mile 8 and had to walk the rest. It was hot and awful," said the husband.

So I guess you can say I've been feeling a little discouraged. More accurately, I'm terrified.

Four months ago today, July 1, I weighed 286.5 lbs. Today, I'm down 43.1 lbs and I have gone about 5 miles without stopping. I'd say that's a pretty good 4 month improvement. Four months from today, March 1, will be the day after I run 13.1 miles, however long it takes me. Maybe I'll be down 10 lbs, maybe another 43.1, who knows. To me, ultimately, I have to trust that if I put the miles in and stay on my nutrition, I will be fine.

So this morning, I did three "easy" miles.

I tried a new path today. It felt like the whole thing was uphill! I love how my pacing was awesome for the first two, and then you can see how the elevation increase just killed it for me. I was supposed to go easy, but I couldn't help but try to beat my previous best of 36 minutes. I also love how whether I went the way I went or if I decided to go the other way it would be downhill then back uphill. Not easy. But these races may not all be flat... Hills happen. I might keep this as my "3 easy" route going forward, except I do have to cross a busy street twice, and I don't want to have to stop and have it affect my time.

Dueling tonight, so I'll be out late, and then I have 4 (or 5?) miles to do at "race pace" tomorrow. I think training for a marathon is the best excuse not to drink ever.

Halloween!!!

Claire is coming home today! This is the longest she has had to be away from work, and it has been kind of rough. The kids have been really good, but there just isn't enough hours in a day for everything without us parenting in tandem. We will be glad to see her.

M has his first ever field trip today, and A is having a party at her school. The of course trick-or-treating tonight. I'm looking forward to all of it, and it is even more enjoyable because for the second year in a row I am not gigging. In fact, it is almost a year to the day when I stopped working at Shout full time. There is no doubt I would have to work tonight if I was still there.

Man, I am not exactly sure where to begin talking about this part of my life, but it is definitely a part of my story. I am a dueling piano player. The very short version of this story is that a friend of mine wanted to start his own traveling dueling piano show in 2004, and he wanted a partner he could trust. I told him I didn't play piano, and he said he would teach me. 3 months later I began making money as a dueler, and a few years later I had played in 37 states.

From February of 2009 (about a month after M was born) until October of 2013 I worked at a dueling piano bar in Glendale, AZ. It was great for me and terrible for me at the same time. I gained a lot of experience with very talented respected duelers and I fell victim to the heavy drinking and high stress of performing for a living that often goes along with the profession. I worked very hard to improve and make the room as successful as it could be, and the day that I finally decided to leave was probably one of the scariest, most uncertain days of my life. I gave them several weeks notice, and they turned it down, leaving me with nothing but two weeks of saved up vacation time as a sort of severance until we would be financially, well, screwed.

I interviewed for my current job as a legal administrator on Halloween a year ago. Last month I got employee of the month. I still get to freelance as a dueler, and this past year has been the best financial year of my life. I'm happier and healthier than ever AND I get guilt free trick-or-treating with my kiddos tonight! What a difference a year makes.

A few points here. First, financial stress always seems to manifest as pounds for me. Right now things are good, so I'm doing well. The goal is to get the habits in place for the inevitable stress life will dish out at some point. Second, I have yo-yo'd even within this past year, and I would attribute that to the unhealthy patterns I have associated with dueling. It is a great way to supplement my income, but it puts me at the biggest chance of relapse. A dangerous game, but ultimately it is up to me to man up and not make dueling an excuse to be unhealthy, and if I can't do that then I need to stop dueling altogether.

So, 242.8 again today, but I signed up for all my races yesterday. Turkey Trot 10k on Thanksgiving, Rock 'n Roll 10k on January 18th, and the Phoenix HALF MARATHON February 28th. I put together a good training plan for the HALF MARATHON and the next few months I am gonna learn to run a HALF MAR-A-THON. So expect the next few months to be filled with posts about how I have passed out training. I'm excited and scared.

Doing What I Should, and Feeling Good About It

I watched the final out of the World Series with my two kids on my lap. They couldn't understand my excitement, but were amused at my reactions and the celebrations on the field. Even though I told them how rare Game 7 is and how the bottom of the 9th inning is such great drama, they are 3 and 5 and they just nodded to humor me. It was great.

Before that, I watched a few innings while running on the treadmill. Yep, I went to the gym even though I had lots of good reasons not to, and it was probably the second best part of my day. 3.02 miles in 36 minutes. 5.1 mph pace, faster than I usually run (but nowhere near as fast as I want to be able to run) and my sinuses magically felt great for the whole run. The kids, though they were rushed from one daycare to another, love they daycare gym and were completely cool with some gym time. 

My brother, who is a huge Giants fan, and I were texting during the game. 

The Verlander comment is because I am a huge Tiger fan. We actually went to Game 1 of the World Series in San Fran 2 years ago, which was a great bucket-list thing to do for both of us, but was much sweeter for him than me because of how the Giants dismantled Verlander and the Tigers on the way to a sweep. 

I'm a huge sports fan. The culture of sports, the physical stress of fandom, is ridiculous. It makes no difference in my life whether my team's are amazing or terrible, but year after year I live and die with them. Being a fan of Detroit sports, time and again I realize there is far more disappointment than reward. I take pride in being a fan that has never abandoned my teams, and it has been sweet that I can enjoy the Tigers' the past several years when I supported them in the lean lean lean years. I remember going to old Tiger Stadium on a rainy day to see them play the equally hapless Royals. There had to be less than 3,000 people there. 

That trip to the World Series two years ago made me wonder if being a sports fan was good for me. It is a matter of priorities. Sure, there is nothing wrong with rooting for a team. But a team losing shouldn't ruin your day or add to the stress in your life. It shouldn't be an excuse to drink, or cause you to get into a fight, or ruin a once in a lifetime trip with your brother. It's one thing to know something in your mind, and sometimes another thing to feel things in your heart. 

I think I've gotten better at this the past few years (and I'm sure the teams in Detroit are going to give me a lot more practice in the future). That is why I am proud of yesterday. I could have gotten a sitter and went to a sports bar to soak in the gravity of the epic Game 7. Granted, my brother lives in North Carolina and I am in Arizona, so there wasn't a temptation to go drink with him. Still, I'm sure I could have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings, ordered some wings and had a few beers, and I would have had a great time. Instead, while this game was on I was at work, then at the gym, then with my kids. A year ago I would have felt like I missed out, now I think I probably enjoyed the game even more because I didn't invest hours into it, taking away from what should be my priorities. 

Today I'm feeling a little better. I'm definitely less stressed because I got to the gym yesterday and because Claire is back tomorrow. I'm down to 242.8. Whoopie, I guess. I'm glad I'm losing weight but I guess the next number I'm excited for is 215, and at the rate I am going it is going to be a while before I get there. 236.5 will be cool because I'll officially be down 50, but I'm already proud of where I am at, and I'm not too concerned about the number on the scale. I'm focusing more on staying locked in nutritionally and setting goals for my upcoming races. Which reminds me, I registered for the Rock n' Roll 10k in January and the Phoenix 1/2 Marathon in February! Now to plan my training. The Half Marathon is 120 days away!

Sick and Alone

One of the most important things I'm trying to make a lasting habit is food preparation. It's not easy, and that is  a common excuse to fall back into old unhealthy habits. The first thing I learned to make was a healthy chili recipe I got from my dietitian. I've made it almost every week, and I'm kind of sick of it but it is easy and healthy. Then I tried my hand at a healthy jambalaya. I just found the recipe online, and it called for a big slow cooker, so after a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond I tossed all the ingredients in my new purchase and about 8 hours later I had my second protein packed meal. Last night I took a stab at Chicken Cacciatore.

Obligatory Food Picture - Chicken Cacciatore 

http://www.slenderkitchen.com/sunday-slow-cooker-chicken-cacciatore-with-mushrooms/

I switched out regular mushrooms for portabella, and chicken breast for chicken thighs. I just got back from lunch, and I liked it well enough but I think the chicken breasts were a bad decision. The thighs probably don't get as dry.

I get the same feeling of pride when I cook a healthy meal that I get when I complete a work out. These are the healthy habits that I need to ingrain in my brain, to trump the already too ingrained old habits. Adding new recipes will help, but ultimately I need to overcome any excuses not to cook and not to go to the gym - forever. Or at least until I am rich enough to hire a personal chef.

Honestly, during a week like this week it all feels daunting. I had to move mountains to go to the gym and cook while Claire was gone. I'm sick, I haven't slept well and my poor kids only get half the attention without her here. I'm irritable, and I want to forget about the gym until she gets home and I rest. But I also want to be able to say I kept going this week to prove to myself that I'm not gonna quit.

243.5 today. I'm doing a 6 month diet bet. During the 6 months you are supposed to lose 10% of your total weight, and each month has different goals. The first two months it is 3%, this third month was an additional 2%, and then round 4 is another 1%, with the 5th month being the full 10% and then a month of maintenance. You pay monthly and if you win you get a percentage of the pot (with the big payoff coming after the end; 50% of the pot divided among all who finish). I crushed round 4, and I'm actually under my total 10% needed. It was motivating before but now it's an afterthought. Maybe I should register for another one.

More and more people at work are talking to me about my weight loss and the upcoming Turkey Trot. I actually told somebody my starting weight at lunch today, something I was way too ashamed to do before. I'm still confident, but the thought of something triggering me to fall off the wagon never really goes away. Also, I've gone to the websites for local races in January and February a few times, but I can't seem to actually pull the trigger and register. What is up with that? I think the plan is going to be to run another 10k on January 18th and then do a half marathon on February 28th. I know that having these other races on the horizon will motivate me to keep training to improve my time from the Turkey Trot, and I think 120 days is enough time to prepare for the half marathon. I just need to get up the nerve to pull the trigger on registering. Maybe once I stop feeling like crap.

Headcold and Scale Out To Get Me

245.3 again. I keep telling myself  I'm not discouraged*. Fight me all you want scale, I am going to win in the end. The pants I am wearing were not even close to an option a month ago, and I'm locked in right now, so the progress will come. Yesterday at work I was sitting at my desk and I went from healthy to sick in a matter of minutes. Have you ever seen a torrential downpour ten feet away, and then watch as the clouds move the rain over you? It was like that. It's not bad, just a head cold, and I still went to the gym yesterday, but I think this cold might be messing with my progress. 

 Based on my resting metabolic assessment, Janelle (my dietitian) has recommended I shoot for around 122g of carbohydrates, 171g of protein, and 87g of fat. A gram of carb and protein are each equal to about 4 calories, and a gram of fat is about equal to 9 calories, so I'm aiming for about 1,950 calories a day. Not bad at all. Yesterday I didn't get enough protein apparently, I made myself eat a piece of string cheese to even come close, I was very tired and not at all hungry.

I always try for 8 hours sleep. This doesn't feel accurate. I woke up at about 12:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had stopped drinking coffee to try to lower my cortisol and help my sleep patterns, but I am back into a coffee habit the past few weeks. If I could sleep these same hours every day I'd be thrilled.

Less than 7k steps, even with going to the gym. The downside of a desk job I guess. I do always question the accuracy of the Fitbit. I play piano, and every time I play it thinks I am walking like crazy. I think it over-estimates calories and sleep, but there is no question that I am more successful when I log my food and track my activity, so it is better than nothing!

Claire being out of town adds to my stress. Single dad life is rough! I always struggle with guilt about taking time for myself rather than giving time to them. It doesn't have to be all or nothing; walking to the park is good active rest and good quality time. Tomorrow I'm gonna take them to the gym after work. They can go play while I run, then we'll go to the pool for a while. Win win.

I thought today how even though I'm not really experiencing any major cravings, it is going to be hard to have all of the Halloween candy in the house after trick-or-treating. I want to make it last for the kiddos, but it has to be somewhere that a weak moment doesn't turn into sabotage. So many pitfalls coming with the holidays and travel. I got this!

*Shout out to Sublurban Mama, who uses this strike-through all the time.

Within/Without: The Dichotomy of Weight Loss

May as well write a little more before the novelty of this wears off. The idea that I'm putting all of this out there into the inter-webs is a little intimidating. I am not very familiar with the blogger culture. Will people hide behind their computer screens and rip me to shreds? Will they be supportive? Should I even care?

I haven't had to deal with that yet (can people even comment on this?) but I imagine it happens. Once I have an idea of who is reading this, (if anyone does) I am sure my approach will change. But for now, I am nervous because I don't know my audience.

Anyway, here is what is on my mind. There are three different phases to struggling with your weight as far as I can tell: ignoring it, working on fixing it, having it fixed. I've really never experienced phase 3. I'm almost halfway through my 100 pounds, and this is a strange spot to be in. I'm both proud of my progress and ashamed of my body at the same time. It's gross I had/have so much weight to lose, and yet I have a sense of accomplishment about how far I've come. It's the same for the people around me. Those who have known me for years are reluctant to comment on my weight loss until it is more pronounced, and I've always thought it is because they have seen me yo-yo so much. Every compliment is an implied insult, "You look great!" also means "You used to be soooooo fat!" This dichotomy is my reality until I either give up (like I've done so many times before) or I finally get to a place where I am content with my weight loss and then maintenance begins!

The psychology of this is what is interesting to me. I've got a bunch of goals now, whereas when I started I was just focused on the number on the scale. Now I've got daily and long term nutrition and fitness goals. More than my weight, I have goals about body fat percentage, VO^2 Max, different work out zones, times for my running. This is good and bad. On the one hand, when I am not achieving as fast as I'd like in one area, I can hopefully point to my successes in other areas to help me be patient. However, I worry that it is a house of cards, and that if I can't monitor all of this with the neurotic attention to detail I can only seem to muster in short bursts, then I am setting myself up for inevitable failure. Glass half full or empty I suppose.

I weigh myself everyday as soon as I get up in the morning, and then I keep track of that all over the place. I post it on my Fitbit, which updates it on Runkeeper and Myfitnesspal, and then I add it to my Life Spreadsheet (which is a whole other story, I'll blog about my spreadsheet once this blogging thing gets more serious - I hardly know you!). I thought I had a particularly awesome weekend as far as nutrition and fitness goes, so I expected to lose weight over the weekend. Here's how the numbers went: Friday - 244.5, Saturday - 244.0, Sunday - 245.7 (what???), today - 245.3.

Numbers can drive you crazy. This is why I'm shelling out the cash for so many metabolic tests and working with a Registered Dietitian. My most recent consult with her we went over my resting metabolic tests, and she said I'm a carb burner, when I should be a fat burner. Ultimately, from what I understand, I need to spend more time working out in lower heart rate zones so I burn more fat, and I need to limit carbs (which I always do) and increase my intake of healthy fats. So this week I have made healthy fats a priority. I've been making salads that have blue cheese, walnuts, and olive oil, and I have been adding olive oil into my protein shakes. I know the oil in the shakes sounds gross, but you can't taste it and it helps blend the powders, and it makes you more full. But I am so nervous whenever I change my plan, so naturally I look at those things first when the number on the scale doesn't make sense.

Patience. I ran 5 miles yesterday (I'm still shocked). I feel fitter than I've felt in a while. I need to start taking measurements so I can look at those when the scale doesn't cooperate, because I know I am still losing inches. I want to get all of this fat off of my body, but it is a process.

I am going to a 6pm Team Training tonight for the first time, because my wife is out of town for work until Friday. Gotta keep training for the Turkey Trot, and I need need need to keep the routine of going to the gym while she is gone.

The kiddos in the morning helping me get ready for work. M didn't want to be in the picture. A's hair is the "my mom's out of town and my dad doesn't do hair" look.

Operation Regeneration

My wife asked me today, "When did you first realize that you had an issue with your weight?" The first thing that came to mind was being 12 years old and having to do whatever I could to make weight for Pop Warner football. I had to weigh under 140, and each week I was just under as a result of some insane plan. Don't drink water, chew gum and spit as much as you can, wear this garbage bag when you run. I remember being in a play in High School when I was 17, and I thought I would have to appear on stage with my shirt off, so I went on a crazy diet and work out plan. 10 grams of fat and 1,000 calories, run on the treadmill every day. I went from 215 to 180. I remember seeing a picture of myself when I was 21, sitting on the ground, with my gut bulging. I couldn't believe I weighed 250. This past summer I got home from my brother's wedding, and on July 1st I weighed the most I've ever weighed (that I know of) - 34 years old, 286.5 pounds.

I've yo-yo'd for as long as I can remember. I've had success with Weight Watchers, Atkins, hiring personal trainers... short bursts of amazing results. It is a joke how many times I have lost the same pounds. I never seem to last much more than 3 months at a time, and I've never had much success at keeping with the healthy routines. As early as February I participated in a Diet Bet post Super Bowl because I was over 260 and lost over 4% in 28 days. But by June, gained it back and then some. 

       

I have learned a lot about nutrition and my body in these countless failed attempts. When I got home from the wedding I knew that I had to do something. At times it feels like quicksand; the more I struggle the worse it gets, and I am still afraid that I will continue my pattern that so many who struggle with weight fall into after some success. It usually all comes back, and then some. I am 5'9'' on a good day. I don't ever want to see 300 pounds on the scale, and I was far too close for comfort just a few months ago. I'm buying in (again). I am going to do everything I can to join the select few who have found a way to lose it and keep it off.

I think blogging can help. The other day I decided to google "100 pounds lost blogs" and I found so many results. I clicked on one, www.bendoeslife.tumblr.com, and clicked on the option to start from the beginning, and I read with great interest as I followed his journey from over 350 pounds to running an Iron Man only 18 months later. I related to his self consciousness, and I was inspired by his pictures showing clothes that had no chance of fitting gradually fitting as a result of his "doing life". He ended up running 8 marathons and writing a book. 

I was disappointed to see that his posts became less frequent, and that eventually he gained most of his weight back. Scary and disheartening. But still, he's still blogging and he is still battling. So brave to do it so publicly. It's an additional level of accountability. Also I think it is important to be a part of a community where we can support each other and learn from each other's successes and failures. My blog may inspire someone else someday.

So as of today, October 26th, I've lost 43 pounds. I haven't been perfect and I am still tweaking my approach, but the idea is to plan for the long haul. I've joined Lifetime Fitness and bought in completely to their plan. I am working with a Registered Dietitian, taking all sorts of natural supplements, and training for a 10k on Thanksgiving. I'm probably gonna register for another in January.

Today was a big day for me. I ran 5 miles without stopping. I don't know that I've ever done it before, and even if I have it certainly wasn't something I thought possible a few months ago. It wasn't fast,

but I don't care. I got it done. That is my only goal for this Turkey Trot next month; to finish without stopping. I do hope to start chronicling my times to show my progress (again, inspired by Ben Does Life). 

100 pounds. However long it takes. More importantly, KEEP IT OFF! The habits that are making this possible are not easy. I'm going to a Team Training class 3 days a week (when I can), and I have to be there at 5am. In order to keep my diet in order I have to spend hours shopping for and preparing food, and there isn't much I know how to make yet, so it's repetitive. But man am I getting more than I am losing. Energy, strength, confidence, happiness, will power, and most likely years of my life, and more quality in those years. I want to model better behavior for my kids. 

I promise the posts won't all be this long. I will try to post frequently, and I will do my best to give an honest account of my successes and failures, for me and for anyone else who may use this for their own attempts at self improvement. For now, I'll post an ugly picture I took after I finished my 5 miles today, in an effort to overcome my disgust and shame of selfies.

  Terrible.