Struggling

I have definitely de-railed.

Stress eating, stress itself... Maybe despite my long-term proof time and again that I can only sustain this sort of life changing behavior for so long I've let myself take it for granted. I don't know. What I do know is that I haven't been to the gym in a week, I'm eating all kinds of unhealthy food, not tracking any of it, and as of today I'm up to 246.6.

I know I'm falling into the trap that I've often fallen into in the past. It's like double-dutch. Once you trip up, you need to choose the right time to jump back in. I'm going to the gym today with the kids since they love it and I haven't been since last time I took them last Tuesday. I'll run but not much since I'm doing the Turkey Trot on Thursday. I'm not sure whether I should go to my team fit class tomorrow. It might not be smart the day before the race, but I've missed the last four (four!?!) and I'm not even sure if there is one on Friday. Ugh.

I am still taking my multi-vitamins. I weighed myself this morning. I gotta jump back in.

Stress - The Immeasurable Factor

You can count calories, you can (sort of) measure your calories burned. You can track your number of push ups, miles, heart rate, sleep. So much information that contributes to your overall health. Personal monitors that give you all of this are available everywhere, and using them correctly can lead to all sorts of health benefits.

There is no wearable monitor for stress. This is a shame, because even if someone does everything right - gets enough sleep, burns more calories than they consume, takes all of the necessary nutrients and supplements - stress can still prevent weight loss. Which leads to more stress, and a feeling of failure that just might lead you to bash your wearable monitor with a hammer. Hm, would that provide any stress relief?

Life is heaping extra servings of stress onto my plate these days. It really doesn't matter where the stress is coming from, what matters is that it affects everything I am trying to accomplish. Granted, the gym is a great way to work off some of that extra stress. All things being equal I notice I handle stress far better now that I am living healthy than I did when I used to solve the problem with copious amounts of alcohol and late night carb binges. But for me a health plan is like a house of cards that I am trying to keep standing at all costs, and stress is a strong breeze.

I'm doing fine, though. It is funny how, once a habit is reinforced with repetition for long enough, it can keep rolling despite adversity. It's your 'lizard brain'. You can carve habits (good or bad) deep into your brain that take over to improve the ease of tasks. A good example is when you drive the same way to work every day you can eventually do it on 'auto pilot'. I read about this over a year ago, and I've been trying to use it to my advantage, and I have to say it's working pretty well. There are however some unintended consequences.

The more you rely on habit the less mentally present you really need to be. You wake up, your habits kick in that get you ready for work and out the door, to work, through work, home from work, and back into bed again. It's safe, and easy, and robotic and boring. Just like anything else, moderation is key. But moderation isn't exactly my strong suit, as demonstrated by my body fat percentage.

Like most people my age and younger, I am hyper-focused. I can lock in and rock a specific project with more zeal and success than generations before me, probably because of video games!!! But, contrary to proud multi-taskers everywhere, you really can't focus on more than one thing at a time. You can shift back and forth quickly, but when you are never really texting and driving, you are either driving, or you are texting and no one is driving. So many things in my life are priorities now. My routine, the gym, the groceries, the laundry, the kids, my wife, my job, my side job of dueling, the bills, school... This should not be the order, but that is the problem. There really can't be an order, they are all very important right now.

So, that is where I am at right now. Stressed, and fearing that so much focus on me and my health is causing me to lose focus in other very important areas of my life. It may be time to try to add a habit to the list that can help with all of this - meditation. But who has the time?

6.2

For years I've wanted to run Turkey Trot 5k. Last year, after another Thanksgiving had passed without me following through with it, my co-workers at my new job began to talk about running this year's 10k in Mesa. 

10k. 6.2 Miles. 

I had never even run a 5k, but I thought that if I committed to running it I would be motivated enough to follow through. Then the year went by, and after a brief stint of about 6 weeks in February and March where I tried to live healthy, I let that motivation go. I had ballooned to the highest I had weighed in my life by July 1, 286.5 pounds. On July 1, I decided that if I was going to have any chance of running a 10k in November, I needed to start making changes.

Yesterday, I ran 6.2 miles. It was on a treadmill with 0% incline and it took me 87 minutes, but I RAN 6.2 MILES. Without stopping.

Best of all, I don't feel like I overdid it today. I did not go to my team training class again, in part because I thought it would be a little too much cardio in a short period and in part for personal relationship reasons I hope I never have to blog about. I hate cryptic personal stuff on social media, but I'm gonna need some boundaries with what I write about here - not that anyone is reading!!! It's tough though, because it's all connected. Stress and sleep are a factor in weight loss and health, and when I get very little sleep and my stress shoots through the roof I need to acknowledge it and talk about it in this context, but sorry, I'm not going into detail. It would probably just add to the stress anyway.

So I did a very fun very chill '5k' which was really more of an obstacle course on Sunday, and now I've done a 10k on Tuesday. I'm feeling good about my cardio. I'm down to 239.5 so I have officially lost the NC weight. Operation Healthy Holidays looks seems good, one way or another.

Rest day today, and hopefully sleep tonight. I'll try to go to the gym tomorrow morning and do a very chill run, and then hit my Team Fit class on Friday. Woosah.

Ridiculous Obstacle Course Race Phoenix 2014

Well, I've done my first race. My friends were running this ROC 5k this weekend, and I was able to register that day. It was so much fun! The race is an untimed 5k with a series of fun obstacles that are inspired by the TV show Wipe Out! There were a few obstacles that were difficult, some I completed and impressed myself, others I couldn't (I haven't been able to swing on Monkey Bars since I was a kid) and some of the obstacles were just water slides with inner tubes, or bubbles, or "the world's tallest inflatable" varieties. People dress up and 'compete' in teams, but really it's just about doing all of these crazy obstacles.

Part of the reason I registered late is that I couldn't decide whether to do the race or go to the Lions v. Cardinals game. Ultimately I chose the race because I thought it would be a healthier choice than tailgating, and I think it was probably more of a wash. I don't know how many calories I burned during the race because I LOST MY FITBIT :( but I am sure that the beer, Jack Daniel's Jack and Ginger drinks (are these coolers? I had never seen them before), the big burger and sweet potato fries and two and a half pieces of pizza I ate afterward were more calories in than I burned racing. So dumb. Somehow during the day's festivities I decided that on a day I run a race I won't worry about calories or logging food, as a sort of celebration, which might be a good idea in moderation, but I went overboard.

I was in bed by 7pm, and I was tossing and turning through the night with an upset stomach. Today I woke up at about 7am with a cough and maybe a fever; just feeling like yuck. I didn't go to my team fit class, and I even thought about calling off work. Some of that had to be dehydration, and I suspect some of it was from the gross water obstacles in the race. In any case, I hope I can bounce back quickly.

Yesterday I weighed 242.2, today I weigh 243.3. Still coming down, though I suspect I haven't really paid for the post race binge. If I am sick, that number is going to go up before it comes down, and I am absolutely spinning my wheels since this blog started. It's all just sticking with it, though.

What I need to take away from this weekend is that I had an absolute blast, completed my first 5k, and that I need to do a better job of pre and post race prep. Next week is the 10k, which should be harder, and my friends are coming so I will have the same temptation to combine fitness with debauchery. I think if I don't drink I can hold everything else in check, and I might need to plan on sleeping extra the night after a race.

I made my healthy chunky chili this morning before work, and I'm ready for a healthy restful week of normal routine. As long as I'm not really sick I should shed some lbs this week. Here's hoping!

When will I BE a Runner?

It is one thing to do something. I run. I play piano. I cook. It is another thing altogether to BE something. I AM a runner. I AM a musician. I AM a cook. I didn't start playing piano until I was 25, so it took me a long time to consider myself a musician, rather than simply an entertainer who plays piano. I couldn't wrap my brain around owning what it means to be a musician. I didn't want to diminish what it meant to be able to say that until I felt I had earned it.

So, I run, but I am no where near being a runner, nor do I know when I might be able to own it. Perhaps it will be after my first race, which is a terrifying 13 days away. Maybe it'll be after my half marathon in February. I think it is going to have more to do how well I am able to run long distances; when my times are more respectable. 

I'm not feeling great today. I wanted to get up early to do the 5am class, so I set two alarms on my Fitbit; 4:26 and 4:35. I 'woke up' but I was in such deep sleep that I just laid there, ultimately deciding to do the 6am class. But I didn't go back to sleep, and now I'm paying for it. I did well in the 6am class, though. Laly told me that I was fired up today, and I definitely felt strong. My stupid heart rate monitor kept shutting off again, so I didn't good info for Janelle, but I figure if I am going to be doing these low heart rate runs on the off days, I really need to get a lot out of my strength and interval training that I get through these classes. 

245.1 today. Nutrition is flawless, though I haven't even gotten to Whole Foods to prepare meals. Yesterday I bought a prepared meal and a cobb salad from Lifetime, and I went and got a cobb salad today from Sprouts and I bought some edamame with wasabi to put on it to spice it up. The kids want to go to the gym tonight, so I will probably eat at Lifetime again and hot tub it up. 

I AM a student, and I'm right in the middle of my online classes. I am either the most productive I have ever been in my life or I am piling goal on top of goal until I am not able to achieve any of them. Definitely one of those.

Training in Zones, Pros and Cons

I ran 1.75 miles in 27 minutes today. Not exactly blazing speed, as my Runkeeper App pointed out (5 minutes slower than my best 1-3 mile pace). Why? Because I kept my heart rate under 141.

I am just trying to have faith in Janelle (my dietitian) that this is the right way to go about it. The Turkey Trot is in two weeks, and I feel less prepared than I was a month ago. Granted, my NC trip is probably a big part of that, but still, this Zone training makes me feel like I'm not making the best use of the little time I have to train. This is made worse by Nick, an attorney whom I have a great deal of respect for and consider to be pretty intelligent, telling me that Zone training is a myth. He even sent me an article about it: http://www.builtlean.com/2013/04/01/fat-burning-zone-myth/#fn-15366-3.

I go back and forth. My run today was easy and slow, which is fine for days in between my Team Training. I was noticeably tired; even for a slow run this was bad. I should (according to my metabolic testing) be able to run the majority of this between 4.7 and 5.1 mph, and I was around 3.7 for the majority of it. So, the more I do this the faster I should be able to run with my heart rate staying under 141. This will be good for me in the long run.

However, I may be drawing out this process longer than it needs to take. I get that running and training causes stress on the body and that stress increases my already elevated cortisol which is preventing my body from losing this spare tire I am trying so desperately to shed. But I can do more than this, right? I feel like I am going to embarrass myself at this Turkey Trot because I haven't pushed myself hard enough leading up to it.

Ultimately, we'll see. I am going to go through this metabolic training program that Janelle has set up for me, even if it limits my potential for a faster finish for these runs. If a month or two from now I see increased fat loss, I'll owe her an apology for doubting her. If not, (and it isn't from my own sabotage) then I'll strike out on my own more aggressive run schedule. Overall, I'll take being a slow runner in exchange for the ultimate goal of dropping this frustrating body fat!

245.3 today. I figured some of that 247 was inflated, and I expect that I'll get back down in the 242 range pretty quick. That trip is gonna put off me getting into the 230's for a while, but hopefully this metabolic training will work it's magic and the pounds will keep falling off. Stay tuned.

Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail (With Excuses)

Well I never said I'd write every day, but my lack of posting was indicative of my lack of commitment the past week.

In my defense I was traveling, which took me out of my routine. Not much of a defense, since it isn't like I didn't KNOW I was going to be traveling. I packed all of my powders for my shakes, my daily vitamins, my running shoes and work out clothes. That should count for something, right? My scale would disagree.

Let's see, it might be helpful to confess all the transgressions. The first challenge was at the airport, where I actually found the breakfast burrito place on myfitnesspal and logged it. Then I had some peanuts on the airplane, logged those. Then we met Claire's Aunt and Uncle for dinner, and that is where the wheels started to fall off. Sure I swapped out the garlic mashed potatoes for asparagus, but I had more wine that I planned, some fried zucchini thing... it was more of a meal than I needed.

The next day I went for a run that was filled with hills, so I didn't go nearly as far as I had planned. Ate a relatively healthy breakfast that I logged, then... I can't really remember what we did for lunch, but somehow by that night I was eating wings and drinking beer, and the food log had gone out the window.

Saturday, the day of the baby shower, until Tuesday morning was so many different kinds of unhealthy. Beer, shots, wings, pizza, Mike and Ike's, movie popcorn, hot dogs, Pringles, I had given up trying to be healthy and instead let my guard down to all sorts of food I should NEVER eat. It was a great visit, but it was tainted by my disappointment in myself, even in the moment.

Yesterday I started my official training regimen for the half marathon. I 'ran' again through North Carolina hills, but I felt awful. My shins were burning, my body was not prepared, and I walked more than I ran. I still made better choices yesterday in a day that was dominated by coming home, and then this morning I weighed myself before going to the gym.

The damage: 7.1 pounds*. This was a 6 day trip, and the majority of the binge was during one 48 hour period. I'm sure some of that is extra water from sodium and I am definitely curious how long it will take me to get back down, but I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, as long as I go right back to my healthy routine there really isn't much to dwell on. However, this wasn't some small slip up. I wanted to test myself to see how these habits would hold up on the road, and I failed miserably.  Now I've got to lose these pounds over again, and I need to put a better plan together the next time I travel.

Vacation's over. Back to work.

*I was down to 240.1 at my lowest, and now I am up to 247.2.

Good Memories and Whole Wheat Toast

Four years ago today Claire and I went to her ultrasound appointment. I think it was the time that she got a ticket for basically getting in a police officer's way. She was in the left turn lane, waiting to turn, when the light turned yellow and then red. She didn't pull into the intersection to turn after the light changed, and the cop wrote her a ticket for impeding traffic. She was pregnant and didn't want to pull into oncoming traffic, so I guess he had a point to make or something.

That is not the good memory. The good memory is the tears of joy as we sat in the car afterward, calling family to tell them that M was going to have a baby sister. Ever since that day our family has had a symmetry. A boy just like daddy, a girl just like mommy. We've been a perfect little family of four, and I can't believe that was only four years ago. It feels like it has always been this way.

I've been thinking a lot about how my shift in priorities toward a more healthy lifestyle has affected them, good and bad. There are definitely struggles. I'm busy without needing to find time for the gym. The house always smells like something healthy dad is cooking. I give mommy a guilt trip any time she gives the kids cookies before dinner or offends me personally by taking the kids to get happy meals. Then of course the past two days I've been recovering from an absolute crash in which I have had no energy. I told Claire that my new fitter self would have MORE energy to be a dad, and now I am already budgeting a lot of that energy for running races.

It's hard. But it is still better than it was before. This is all new, and I'll learn how to eat to prepare for runs so I don't crash like I did this week. We won't live in our small apartment forever, so maybe the whole house won't smell like healthy daddy food. I will have more energy to go do the things a dad should with his kids. Most of all, hopefully, I will model good behavior that will keep them from ever having to struggle with this the way I am.

I feel a lot better today. I actually added a piece of whole wheat toast to my breakfast (140 calories?!?). Morning carbs, especially since I am going to be running more) are going to be the newest tweak to my routine. Janelle called me late last night and told me to run "no longer than 30 minutes and get my heart rate to no more than 141 bps". I wonder how slow I have to run to stay below 141. Anyway, that is all I'm doing today, then I have my Team Fit class in the morning. Sitting at 241.5 today, so there is definitely more work to be done.

Keep It Under 141

So, two new things to add the training ritual. First, most of my workouts need to be in Zone 1 or 2, which for me means keeping my heart rate under 141. Second, I need post workout carbs to help me recover. I'm not particularly thrilled with either of these adjustments, but it would be silly not to follow the advice of my dietitian; knowledge is power!

Apparently if I run at the 141 maximum heart rate, I'll still get gains in terms of speed and distance, but if I do a lot of low aerobic training I can help my body learn to burn fat instead of carbs, which my body seems to struggle with. I checked my body fat (I'll try to do it the first Monday of the month from now on) and I am at exactly 37%, up .4% from 3 weeks ago. Not cool, body fat, not cool.

I ran this morning, but I took it pretty easy (maybe not 141 easy though). I think my phone is broken, because it won't charge, so I need to figure that out as soon as possible. I use it for everything with regards to nutrition and I even use it to track my heart rate during work outs, so I guess I will need it all the time now. 

Still feeling kind of burnt out, and I'm discouraged about my lack of progress on body fat loss and my consultation with Janelle that pretty much means I'm gonna be the slowest runner ever for the Turkey Trot. Ultimately I just want progress so however long it takes is fine. I'm gonna lose this weight and become a runner.

Sometimes Your Body Makes Other Plans

I did do one shot of tequila last night at the end of my shift. I was celebrating making it through the week, and the fact that I am probably not going to be playing there for a little while. As much grief as that club has given me I still miss the people who I got to know there. Anyway, compared to the way I used to drink there, a single shot is a victory.

Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck, and I really don't think it was the tequila. Not stuffy like Wednesday, but like my blood sugar is out of whack or something. I've been up about 7 hours today, and I'm ready to go back to bed. I haven't done much of anything today other than spend some time with my kids (Claire spent most of the day catching up from her work trip at the office).

Tomorrow I've got my Team Fit class at Lifetime and then I meet with Janelle at 9. She and I definitely need to talk carbs, because I think that is my problem today. I probably should have eaten more than I did yesterday considering the day I had. One good thing that comes of this gross feeling is that I'll be able to get back into my normal rhythm of sleep no problem.

So running did not happen today. I'm not officially training until next week, but I did plan on running and I'm not thrilled with myself that I didn't make it happen. Maybe I would have passed out, maybe it would have made me feel better. I'm terrible at reading what my body is telling me. That is something else that is going to need to change for me to be a runner and for me to maintain my weight loss. I feel like I have done something wrong, and I am a discouraged. If I am wore out from my run yesterday, than I may not be cut out for this. Tomorrow I will get some answers. Tonight I will get some rest.

Need to Recharge

My Fitbit needs to recharge. I feel exactly the same way.

Fun night at Shout. Got home at 2:30am. Woke up around 8:30am when Claire was freaking out about a sinus headache. Decided to try to sleep a little longer, then I was out until noon.

Somehow made 'breakfast' but I feel absolutely wiped out. I gonna sit and watch football until this charges. At least.

November 1 Looking Back, Looking Forward

"I heard you talking about running a half marathon yesterday."

"Yeah. What do you think?"

"I think it's stupid."

My wife, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm still like 50/50 whether I tell people that I registered for the half marathon or not. For example, when I saw my pastor at the Halloween party last night and we started talking about weight loss (naturally, since I haven't gone to church lately so he noticed and commented, "Looks like you're slimming down"...) I told him that I registered for the 10k Turkey Trot and the 10k Rock n' Roll, but I didn't mention the Phoenix Half Marathon. But by the end of the night a guy in his Tough Mudder shirt and his wife had overheard me talking about it and decided to share their war stories.

"I did a half marathon once. I don't know about your experience with gels, but don't do new nutrition the day of the race, ugh," said the wife.

"Yeah, I didn't really train for mine, and I nearly passed out at mile 8 and had to walk the rest. It was hot and awful," said the husband.

So I guess you can say I've been feeling a little discouraged. More accurately, I'm terrified.

Four months ago today, July 1, I weighed 286.5 lbs. Today, I'm down 43.1 lbs and I have gone about 5 miles without stopping. I'd say that's a pretty good 4 month improvement. Four months from today, March 1, will be the day after I run 13.1 miles, however long it takes me. Maybe I'll be down 10 lbs, maybe another 43.1, who knows. To me, ultimately, I have to trust that if I put the miles in and stay on my nutrition, I will be fine.

So this morning, I did three "easy" miles.

I tried a new path today. It felt like the whole thing was uphill! I love how my pacing was awesome for the first two, and then you can see how the elevation increase just killed it for me. I was supposed to go easy, but I couldn't help but try to beat my previous best of 36 minutes. I also love how whether I went the way I went or if I decided to go the other way it would be downhill then back uphill. Not easy. But these races may not all be flat... Hills happen. I might keep this as my "3 easy" route going forward, except I do have to cross a busy street twice, and I don't want to have to stop and have it affect my time.

Dueling tonight, so I'll be out late, and then I have 4 (or 5?) miles to do at "race pace" tomorrow. I think training for a marathon is the best excuse not to drink ever.