Claire is coming home today! This is the longest she has had to be away from work, and it has been kind of rough. The kids have been really good, but there just isn't enough hours in a day for everything without us parenting in tandem. We will be glad to see her.
M has his first ever field trip today, and A is having a party at her school. The of course trick-or-treating tonight. I'm looking forward to all of it, and it is even more enjoyable because for the second year in a row I am not gigging. In fact, it is almost a year to the day when I stopped working at Shout full time. There is no doubt I would have to work tonight if I was still there.
Man, I am not exactly sure where to begin talking about this part of my life, but it is definitely a part of my story. I am a dueling piano player. The very short version of this story is that a friend of mine wanted to start his own traveling dueling piano show in 2004, and he wanted a partner he could trust. I told him I didn't play piano, and he said he would teach me. 3 months later I began making money as a dueler, and a few years later I had played in 37 states.
From February of 2009 (about a month after M was born) until October of 2013 I worked at a dueling piano bar in Glendale, AZ. It was great for me and terrible for me at the same time. I gained a lot of experience with very talented respected duelers and I fell victim to the heavy drinking and high stress of performing for a living that often goes along with the profession. I worked very hard to improve and make the room as successful as it could be, and the day that I finally decided to leave was probably one of the scariest, most uncertain days of my life. I gave them several weeks notice, and they turned it down, leaving me with nothing but two weeks of saved up vacation time as a sort of severance until we would be financially, well, screwed.
I interviewed for my current job as a legal administrator on Halloween a year ago. Last month I got employee of the month. I still get to freelance as a dueler, and this past year has been the best financial year of my life. I'm happier and healthier than ever AND I get guilt free trick-or-treating with my kiddos tonight! What a difference a year makes.
A few points here. First, financial stress always seems to manifest as pounds for me. Right now things are good, so I'm doing well. The goal is to get the habits in place for the inevitable stress life will dish out at some point. Second, I have yo-yo'd even within this past year, and I would attribute that to the unhealthy patterns I have associated with dueling. It is a great way to supplement my income, but it puts me at the biggest chance of relapse. A dangerous game, but ultimately it is up to me to man up and not make dueling an excuse to be unhealthy, and if I can't do that then I need to stop dueling altogether.
So, 242.8 again today, but I signed up for all my races yesterday. Turkey Trot 10k on Thanksgiving, Rock 'n Roll 10k on January 18th, and the Phoenix HALF MARATHON February 28th. I put together a good training plan for the HALF MARATHON and the next few months I am gonna learn to run a HALF MAR-A-THON. So expect the next few months to be filled with posts about how I have passed out training. I'm excited and scared.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Doing What I Should, and Feeling Good About It
I watched the final out of the World Series with my two kids on my lap. They couldn't understand my excitement, but were amused at my reactions and the celebrations on the field. Even though I told them how rare Game 7 is and how the bottom of the 9th inning is such great drama, they are 3 and 5 and they just nodded to humor me. It was great.
Before that, I watched a few innings while running on the treadmill. Yep, I went to the gym even though I had lots of good reasons not to, and it was probably the second best part of my day. 3.02 miles in 36 minutes. 5.1 mph pace, faster than I usually run (but nowhere near as fast as I want to be able to run) and my sinuses magically felt great for the whole run. The kids, though they were rushed from one daycare to another, love they daycare gym and were completely cool with some gym time.
My brother, who is a huge Giants fan, and I were texting during the game.
The Verlander comment is because I am a huge Tiger fan. We actually went to Game 1 of the World Series in San Fran 2 years ago, which was a great bucket-list thing to do for both of us, but was much sweeter for him than me because of how the Giants dismantled Verlander and the Tigers on the way to a sweep.
I'm a huge sports fan. The culture of sports, the physical stress of fandom, is ridiculous. It makes no difference in my life whether my team's are amazing or terrible, but year after year I live and die with them. Being a fan of Detroit sports, time and again I realize there is far more disappointment than reward. I take pride in being a fan that has never abandoned my teams, and it has been sweet that I can enjoy the Tigers' the past several years when I supported them in the lean lean lean years. I remember going to old Tiger Stadium on a rainy day to see them play the equally hapless Royals. There had to be less than 3,000 people there.
That trip to the World Series two years ago made me wonder if being a sports fan was good for me. It is a matter of priorities. Sure, there is nothing wrong with rooting for a team. But a team losing shouldn't ruin your day or add to the stress in your life. It shouldn't be an excuse to drink, or cause you to get into a fight, or ruin a once in a lifetime trip with your brother. It's one thing to know something in your mind, and sometimes another thing to feel things in your heart.
I think I've gotten better at this the past few years (and I'm sure the teams in Detroit are going to give me a lot more practice in the future). That is why I am proud of yesterday. I could have gotten a sitter and went to a sports bar to soak in the gravity of the epic Game 7. Granted, my brother lives in North Carolina and I am in Arizona, so there wasn't a temptation to go drink with him. Still, I'm sure I could have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings, ordered some wings and had a few beers, and I would have had a great time. Instead, while this game was on I was at work, then at the gym, then with my kids. A year ago I would have felt like I missed out, now I think I probably enjoyed the game even more because I didn't invest hours into it, taking away from what should be my priorities.
Today I'm feeling a little better. I'm definitely less stressed because I got to the gym yesterday and because Claire is back tomorrow. I'm down to 242.8. Whoopie, I guess. I'm glad I'm losing weight but I guess the next number I'm excited for is 215, and at the rate I am going it is going to be a while before I get there. 236.5 will be cool because I'll officially be down 50, but I'm already proud of where I am at, and I'm not too concerned about the number on the scale. I'm focusing more on staying locked in nutritionally and setting goals for my upcoming races. Which reminds me, I registered for the Rock n' Roll 10k in January and the Phoenix 1/2 Marathon in February! Now to plan my training. The Half Marathon is 120 days away!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sick and Alone
One of the most important things I'm trying to make a lasting habit is food preparation. It's not easy, and that is a common excuse to fall back into old unhealthy habits. The first thing I learned to make was a healthy chili recipe I got from my dietitian. I've made it almost every week, and I'm kind of sick of it but it is easy and healthy. Then I tried my hand at a healthy jambalaya. I just found the recipe online, and it called for a big slow cooker, so after a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond I tossed all the ingredients in my new purchase and about 8 hours later I had my second protein packed meal. Last night I took a stab at Chicken Cacciatore.
I get the same feeling of pride when I cook a healthy meal that I get when I complete a work out. These are the healthy habits that I need to ingrain in my brain, to trump the already too ingrained old habits. Adding new recipes will help, but ultimately I need to overcome any excuses not to cook and not to go to the gym - forever.Or at least until I am rich enough to hire a personal chef.
Honestly, during a week like this week it all feels daunting. I had to move mountains to go to the gym and cook while Claire was gone. I'm sick, I haven't slept well and my poor kids only get half the attention without her here. I'm irritable, and I want to forget about the gym until she gets home and I rest. But I also want to be able to say I kept going this week to prove to myself that I'm not gonna quit.
243.5 today. I'm doing a 6 month diet bet. During the 6 months you are supposed to lose 10% of your total weight, and each month has different goals. The first two months it is 3%, this third month was an additional 2%, and then round 4 is another 1%, with the 5th month being the full 10% and then a month of maintenance. You pay monthly and if you win you get a percentage of the pot (with the big payoff coming after the end; 50% of the pot divided among all who finish). I crushed round 4, and I'm actually under my total 10% needed. It was motivating before but now it's an afterthought. Maybe I should register for another one.
More and more people at work are talking to me about my weight loss and the upcoming Turkey Trot. I actually told somebody my starting weight at lunch today, something I was way too ashamed to do before. I'm still confident, but the thought of something triggering me to fall off the wagon never really goes away. Also, I've gone to the websites for local races in January and February a few times, but I can't seem to actually pull the trigger and register. What is up with that? I think the plan is going to be to run another 10k on January 18th and then do a half marathon on February 28th. I know that having these other races on the horizon will motivate me to keep training to improve my time from the Turkey Trot, and I think 120 days is enough time to prepare for the half marathon. I just need to get up the nerve to pull the trigger on registering. Maybe once I stop feeling like crap.
Obligatory Food Picture - Chicken Cacciatore
http://www.slenderkitchen.com/sunday-slow-cooker-chicken-cacciatore-with-mushrooms/
I switched out regular mushrooms for portabella, and chicken breast for chicken thighs. I just got back from lunch, and I liked it well enough but I think the chicken breasts were a bad decision. The thighs probably don't get as dry.I get the same feeling of pride when I cook a healthy meal that I get when I complete a work out. These are the healthy habits that I need to ingrain in my brain, to trump the already too ingrained old habits. Adding new recipes will help, but ultimately I need to overcome any excuses not to cook and not to go to the gym - forever.
Honestly, during a week like this week it all feels daunting. I had to move mountains to go to the gym and cook while Claire was gone. I'm sick, I haven't slept well and my poor kids only get half the attention without her here. I'm irritable, and I want to forget about the gym until she gets home and I rest. But I also want to be able to say I kept going this week to prove to myself that I'm not gonna quit.
243.5 today. I'm doing a 6 month diet bet. During the 6 months you are supposed to lose 10% of your total weight, and each month has different goals. The first two months it is 3%, this third month was an additional 2%, and then round 4 is another 1%, with the 5th month being the full 10% and then a month of maintenance. You pay monthly and if you win you get a percentage of the pot (with the big payoff coming after the end; 50% of the pot divided among all who finish). I crushed round 4, and I'm actually under my total 10% needed. It was motivating before but now it's an afterthought. Maybe I should register for another one.
More and more people at work are talking to me about my weight loss and the upcoming Turkey Trot. I actually told somebody my starting weight at lunch today, something I was way too ashamed to do before. I'm still confident, but the thought of something triggering me to fall off the wagon never really goes away. Also, I've gone to the websites for local races in January and February a few times, but I can't seem to actually pull the trigger and register. What is up with that? I think the plan is going to be to run another 10k on January 18th and then do a half marathon on February 28th. I know that having these other races on the horizon will motivate me to keep training to improve my time from the Turkey Trot, and I think 120 days is enough time to prepare for the half marathon. I just need to get up the nerve to pull the trigger on registering. Maybe once I stop feeling like crap.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Headcold and Scale Out To Get Me
245.3 again. I keep telling myself I'm not discouraged*. Fight me all you want scale, I am going to win in the end. The pants I am wearing were not even close to an option a month ago, and I'm locked in right now, so the progress will come. Yesterday at work I was sitting at my desk and I went from healthy to sick in a matter of minutes. Have you ever seen a torrential downpour ten feet away, and then watch as the clouds move the rain over you? It was like that. It's not bad, just a head cold, and I still went to the gym yesterday, but I think this cold might be messing with my progress.
Less than 7k steps, even with going to the gym. The downside of a desk job I guess. I do always question the accuracy of the Fitbit. I play piano, and every time I play it thinks I am walking like crazy. I think it over-estimates calories and sleep, but there is no question that I am more successful when I log my food and track my activity, so it is better than nothing!
Claire being out of town adds to my stress. Single dad life is rough! I always struggle with guilt about taking time for myself rather than giving time to them. It doesn't have to be all or nothing; walking to the park is good active rest and good quality time. Tomorrow I'm gonna take them to the gym after work. They can go play while I run, then we'll go to the pool for a while. Win win.
I thought today how even though I'm not really experiencing any major cravings, it is going to be hard to have all of the Halloween candy in the house after trick-or-treating. I want to make it last for the kiddos, but it has to be somewhere that a weak moment doesn't turn into sabotage. So many pitfalls coming with the holidays and travel. I got this!
*Shout out to Sublurban Mama, who uses this strike-through all the time.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Within/Without: The Dichotomy of Weight Loss
May as well write a little more before the novelty of this wears off. The idea that I'm putting all of this out there into the inter-webs is a little intimidating. I am not very familiar with the blogger culture. Will people hide behind their computer screens and rip me to shreds? Will they be supportive? Should I even care?
I haven't had to deal with that yet (can people even comment on this?) but I imagine it happens. Once I have an idea of who is reading this, (if anyone does) I am sure my approach will change. But for now, I am nervous because I don't know my audience.
Anyway, here is what is on my mind. There are three different phases to struggling with your weight as far as I can tell: ignoring it, working on fixing it, having it fixed. I've really never experienced phase 3. I'm almost halfway through my 100 pounds, and this is a strange spot to be in. I'm both proud of my progress and ashamed of my body at the same time. It's gross I had/have so much weight to lose, and yet I have a sense of accomplishment about how far I've come. It's the same for the people around me. Those who have known me for years are reluctant to comment on my weight loss until it is more pronounced, and I've always thought it is because they have seen me yo-yo so much. Every compliment is an implied insult, "You look great!" also means "You used to be soooooo fat!" This dichotomy is my reality until I either give up (like I've done so many times before) or I finally get to a place where I am content with my weight loss and then maintenance begins!
The psychology of this is what is interesting to me. I've got a bunch of goals now, whereas when I started I was just focused on the number on the scale. Now I've got daily and long term nutrition and fitness goals. More than my weight, I have goals about body fat percentage, VO^2 Max, different work out zones, times for my running. This is good and bad. On the one hand, when I am not achieving as fast as I'd like in one area, I can hopefully point to my successes in other areas to help me be patient. However, I worry that it is a house of cards, and that if I can't monitor all of this with the neurotic attention to detail I can only seem to muster in short bursts, then I am setting myself up for inevitable failure. Glass half full or empty I suppose.
I weigh myself everyday as soon as I get up in the morning, and then I keep track of that all over the place. I post it on my Fitbit, which updates it on Runkeeper and Myfitnesspal, and then I add it to my Life Spreadsheet (which is a whole other story, I'll blog about my spreadsheet once this blogging thing gets more serious - I hardly know you!). I thought I had a particularly awesome weekend as far as nutrition and fitness goes, so I expected to lose weight over the weekend. Here's how the numbers went: Friday - 244.5, Saturday - 244.0, Sunday - 245.7 (what???), today - 245.3.
Numbers can drive you crazy. This is why I'm shelling out the cash for so many metabolic tests and working with a Registered Dietitian. My most recent consult with her we went over my resting metabolic tests, and she said I'm a carb burner, when I should be a fat burner. Ultimately, from what I understand, I need to spend more time working out in lower heart rate zones so I burn more fat, and I need to limit carbs (which I always do) and increase my intake of healthy fats. So this week I have made healthy fats a priority. I've been making salads that have blue cheese, walnuts, and olive oil, and I have been adding olive oil into my protein shakes. I know the oil in the shakes sounds gross, but you can't taste it and it helps blend the powders, and it makes you more full. But I am so nervous whenever I change my plan, so naturally I look at those things first when the number on the scale doesn't make sense.
Patience. I ran 5 miles yesterday (I'm still shocked). I feel fitter than I've felt in a while. I need to start taking measurements so I can look at those when the scale doesn't cooperate, because I know I am still losing inches. I want to get all of this fat off of my body, but it is a process.
I am going to a 6pm Team Training tonight for the first time, because my wife is out of town for work until Friday. Gotta keep training for the Turkey Trot, and I need need need to keep the routine of going to the gym while she is gone.
The kiddos in the morning helping me get ready for work. M didn't want to be in the picture. A's hair is the "my mom's out of town and my dad doesn't do hair" look.
I haven't had to deal with that yet (can people even comment on this?) but I imagine it happens. Once I have an idea of who is reading this, (if anyone does) I am sure my approach will change. But for now, I am nervous because I don't know my audience.
Anyway, here is what is on my mind. There are three different phases to struggling with your weight as far as I can tell: ignoring it, working on fixing it, having it fixed. I've really never experienced phase 3. I'm almost halfway through my 100 pounds, and this is a strange spot to be in. I'm both proud of my progress and ashamed of my body at the same time. It's gross I had/have so much weight to lose, and yet I have a sense of accomplishment about how far I've come. It's the same for the people around me. Those who have known me for years are reluctant to comment on my weight loss until it is more pronounced, and I've always thought it is because they have seen me yo-yo so much. Every compliment is an implied insult, "You look great!" also means "You used to be soooooo fat!" This dichotomy is my reality until I either give up (like I've done so many times before) or I finally get to a place where I am content with my weight loss and then maintenance begins!
The psychology of this is what is interesting to me. I've got a bunch of goals now, whereas when I started I was just focused on the number on the scale. Now I've got daily and long term nutrition and fitness goals. More than my weight, I have goals about body fat percentage, VO^2 Max, different work out zones, times for my running. This is good and bad. On the one hand, when I am not achieving as fast as I'd like in one area, I can hopefully point to my successes in other areas to help me be patient. However, I worry that it is a house of cards, and that if I can't monitor all of this with the neurotic attention to detail I can only seem to muster in short bursts, then I am setting myself up for inevitable failure. Glass half full or empty I suppose.
I weigh myself everyday as soon as I get up in the morning, and then I keep track of that all over the place. I post it on my Fitbit, which updates it on Runkeeper and Myfitnesspal, and then I add it to my Life Spreadsheet (which is a whole other story, I'll blog about my spreadsheet once this blogging thing gets more serious - I hardly know you!). I thought I had a particularly awesome weekend as far as nutrition and fitness goes, so I expected to lose weight over the weekend. Here's how the numbers went: Friday - 244.5, Saturday - 244.0, Sunday - 245.7 (what???), today - 245.3.
Numbers can drive you crazy. This is why I'm shelling out the cash for so many metabolic tests and working with a Registered Dietitian. My most recent consult with her we went over my resting metabolic tests, and she said I'm a carb burner, when I should be a fat burner. Ultimately, from what I understand, I need to spend more time working out in lower heart rate zones so I burn more fat, and I need to limit carbs (which I always do) and increase my intake of healthy fats. So this week I have made healthy fats a priority. I've been making salads that have blue cheese, walnuts, and olive oil, and I have been adding olive oil into my protein shakes. I know the oil in the shakes sounds gross, but you can't taste it and it helps blend the powders, and it makes you more full. But I am so nervous whenever I change my plan, so naturally I look at those things first when the number on the scale doesn't make sense.
Patience. I ran 5 miles yesterday (I'm still shocked). I feel fitter than I've felt in a while. I need to start taking measurements so I can look at those when the scale doesn't cooperate, because I know I am still losing inches. I want to get all of this fat off of my body, but it is a process.
I am going to a 6pm Team Training tonight for the first time, because my wife is out of town for work until Friday. Gotta keep training for the Turkey Trot, and I need need need to keep the routine of going to the gym while she is gone.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Operation Regeneration
My wife asked me today, "When did you first realize that you had an issue with your weight?" The first thing that came to mind was being 12 years old and having to do whatever I could to make weight for Pop Warner football. I had to weigh under 140, and each week I was just under as a result of some insane plan. Don't drink water, chew gum and spit as much as you can, wear this garbage bag when you run. I remember being in a play in High School when I was 17, and I thought I would have to appear on stage with my shirt off, so I went on a crazy diet and work out plan. 10 grams of fat and 1,000 calories, run on the treadmill every day. I went from 215 to 180. I remember seeing a picture of myself when I was 21, sitting on the ground, with my gut bulging. I couldn't believe I weighed 250. This past summer I got home from my brother's wedding, and on July 1st I weighed the most I've ever weighed (that I know of) - 34 years old, 286.5 pounds.
I've yo-yo'd for as long as I can remember. I've had success with Weight Watchers, Atkins, hiring personal trainers... short bursts of amazing results. It is a joke how many times I have lost the same pounds. I never seem to last much more than 3 months at a time, and I've never had much success at keeping with the healthy routines. As early as February I participated in a Diet Bet post Super Bowl because I was over 260 and lost over 4% in 28 days. But by June, gained it back and then some.
I have learned a lot about nutrition and my body in these countless failed attempts. When I got home from the wedding I knew that I had to do something. At times it feels like quicksand; the more I struggle the worse it gets, and I am still afraid that I will continue my pattern that so many who struggle with weight fall into after some success. It usually all comes back, and then some. I am 5'9'' on a good day. I don't ever want to see 300 pounds on the scale, and I was far too close for comfort just a few months ago. I'm buying in (again). I am going to do everything I can to join the select few who have found a way to lose it and keep it off.
I think blogging can help. The other day I decided to google "100 pounds lost blogs" and I found so many results. I clicked on one, www.bendoeslife.tumblr.com, and clicked on the option to start from the beginning, and I read with great interest as I followed his journey from over 350 pounds to running an Iron Man only 18 months later. I related to his self consciousness, and I was inspired by his pictures showing clothes that had no chance of fitting gradually fitting as a result of his "doing life". He ended up running 8 marathons and writing a book.
I was disappointed to see that his posts became less frequent, and that eventually he gained most of his weight back. Scary and disheartening. But still, he's still blogging and he is still battling. So brave to do it so publicly. It's an additional level of accountability. Also I think it is important to be a part of a community where we can support each other and learn from each other's successes and failures. My blog may inspire someone else someday.
So as of today, October 26th, I've lost 43 pounds. I haven't been perfect and I am still tweaking my approach, but the idea is to plan for the long haul. I've joined Lifetime Fitness and bought in completely to their plan. I am working with a Registered Dietitian, taking all sorts of natural supplements, and training for a 10k on Thanksgiving. I'm probably gonna register for another in January.
Today was a big day for me. I ran 5 miles without stopping. I don't know that I've ever done it before, and even if I have it certainly wasn't something I thought possible a few months ago. It wasn't fast,
but I don't care. I got it done. That is my only goal for this Turkey Trot next month; to finish without stopping. I do hope to start chronicling my times to show my progress (again, inspired by Ben Does Life).
100 pounds. However long it takes. More importantly, KEEP IT OFF! The habits that are making this possible are not easy. I'm going to a Team Training class 3 days a week (when I can), and I have to be there at 5am. In order to keep my diet in order I have to spend hours shopping for and preparing food, and there isn't much I know how to make yet, so it's repetitive. But man am I getting more than I am losing. Energy, strength, confidence, happiness, will power, and most likely years of my life, and more quality in those years. I want to model better behavior for my kids.
I promise the posts won't all be this long. I will try to post frequently, and I will do my best to give an honest account of my successes and failures, for me and for anyone else who may use this for their own attempts at self improvement. For now, I'll post an ugly picture I took after I finished my 5 miles today, in an effort to overcome my disgust and shame of selfies.
Terrible.
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